he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
