You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
