I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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