3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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