I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
