It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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