All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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