if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
