every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
