I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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