I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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