hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
