Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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