Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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