NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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