So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
