she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
