is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
