don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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