tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
