ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
