Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
