you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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