i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
