Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
