I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
