Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
