Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
