does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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