You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
