i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize