When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
