Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
