she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
from now on my penis is your penis
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
