No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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