So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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