Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
