are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
