Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
