Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
