Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
