I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
