we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
