just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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