im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
