I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
