i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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