I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize