You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
