Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
