My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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