Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
