Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
