The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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