a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
