he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
