there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
