I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
